04/15/2013 21:24

Vulnerability in raising my granddaughter

During a casual conversation I happen to remark to my daughter (mother of three of my grandchildren) that I am disappointed that no one is reading my blog.  "I was hoping to reach out to other grandparents that are experiencing the same situation as me, but no one is responding!" , I exclaimed.  And as is often the case, she proceeded to lay out the primary reason that she feels this is occurring.  "That is because you are not connecting to other grandparents that are raising a grandchild", she stated confident in her own assessment.  Before I could respond because I was gasping with an indignant right of refusal, she continued.  "Readers like vulnerability in the author.  They want to read that you have experienced the same feelings that they have which would probably be alot more weakness than you have portrayed.  You write like you were handed a challenging situation, but that you have tackled the opposing player and run over the goal line. You are too confident and way too positive!"    Talk about feeling hit by a 300 pound piece of flesh, I was astounded and disoriented.  The problem is she is probably right, but I do not really know how to change it.  Looking at everything through a rosy glass has been my way of coping, since childhood.  I lived with chaos and uncertainty for so long and was told to "count my blessings" no matter the outcome that I eventually turned into a real life "Pollyanna".  It helped me survive in a dysunctional home, as a military wife, the bad marriages of my children, my son's addictions, and now as a grandmother raising a grandchild.  I can always cite a worse case scenerio than mine and would rather dwell on someone "having it worse than me" than wallow in my own misfortune.  Indeed I have embraced the challenge of raising my grandchild with a focused zeal and a solution centered approach.  It is who I am and with the faith of God, I hope to remain.  However, it is not without much angst and worry that I plod along this journey.  I can relate to any feeling that a parent has ever had. I have been on a learning curve since the day she crawled into my kitchen and I will be for the remainder of time I am with her.  I have cried buckets over the loss of socialization, time with my husband,  uncertainty of "S" and my future together, physical aches and pains, and the list goes on.  I have felt battle fatigue on somedays and empowered on others.  I have run the gamut of emotions that any new young mother traverses and many others have swept over me as an old woman attempting to parent again after menopause. If being vulnerable is what will bring you to share in the life I have with my granddaughter, than know that I am and will continue to be.  However I would prefer to laugh, look for the joy and take action rather than shed blood, sweat and tears in all my writings.  It just is not me.....

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Nani-mommy


Garden Ridge, Texas
78266