Alone and confused
Last night I was alone, no grandbaby, no son and no husband. At first the mere thought of this situation caused me to tingle! My son was taking "S" on an overnight to a friend's home, and my husband was traveling for work. This would be the first time I had been alone overnight in five years! I could go out with peers and share stories of our latest doctor visits, our frustration with grown children, or our distrust of the government. No one would be interrupting our conversation with requests for drinks, a complaint about a playmate, or a need to go to the bathroom as soon as I started to eat! I would not be keeping watch over the time in order to catch the news with my husband or feeling a bit guilty that I left my husband on one of his rare nights home! This was going to be an outing of guiltless pleasure and old women gone wild! I plucked offf as much facial hair as my arthritic hand would allow, filled in the wrinkles with a new wrinkle cream which works totally on the psychological premise that if you use it, "you will think it is working" and covered the bags under my eyes with a whitener that is probably more effective on teeth. The company of women were a mix of fifties , and sixties, some celebrating the deliverance of their first social security check and others thrilled that there were many years before medicare. We laughed, drank( mostly water) and offered simple solutions to the most complex ailments of the world through rhetoric and wisdom of age. I was home by nine and was the last to leave. Thinking it was much too early to retire, I watched some TV and then read until my eyes began to slowly descend. I knew that I would not be interrupted with "S's" nightly bathroom urgency so I locked my door and tried to fall alseep. But something was not in zen with my slumber so I checked the doors once more, made sure my contacts were taken out of my eyes and turned on a night-light. I wanted to reflect on the conversation of the night with peers of my decade and issues of my concern, but all I could feel was a tug at my heart and a distant voice that beckoned my name. I missed "S". I wanted to tuck her in, to look at her one more time before the night engulfed us in dreams and fantasies and to give her the final hug and kiss of the day. Only a lunatic would feel this way I decided. Wasn't I the grandmother who protested about my lack of freedom, the total disregard for my own entertainment and the need for "me time!" Was I becoming so senile that I did not know what I wanted anymore like others who complain about the summer when it is hot and then become depressed about the days of wind and rain? Aren't I the one who states that one must create one's own "happy" and counting on the government, family or friends is the pathway to despondence and dependence? Haven't I bored God with my endless monologues of how difficult it is to reparent at this age? I tossed and turned over the perversion of my spirit until I realized that I cannot separate "S' from my thoughts even when she is miles away or in the very next room. She has been my routine and my buddy for five years. She lives within the confines of each heartbeat and with every breath I take, so a night out with the girls is fun and necessary, but will never be a substitute!!
Garden Ridge, Texas